Posted in Undoubtedly

The Grand Opening of the Gotham City Butter Tub

Another piece I wrote in my Creative Writing class. Enjoy! Comments/criticisms are loved/appreciated.

When the Joker came to terrorize Gotham City Wednesday afternoon, he had no idea what was in store. With his stock of guns and knives prepared, he set out to take care of the man who taunted him from week to week. A man who Gotham City praised as a hero – the Batman.

Today, Bruce Wayne, local billionaire and stud muffin, was eating, well, a muffin at a new bakery that had just had a ribbon-cutting ceremony for its grand opening an hour earlier. Renowned chef Paula Deen was the owner of this establishment she decided to open to sell more of her fattening pastries. The bakery was even named “The Butter Tub” after Paula’s favorite ingredient.

“How’s that muffin, Mr. Wayne?” Paula Deen asked as she finished preparing a breakfast sandwich comprised of bacon, sausage and cheese with two donuts in the place of buns.

“It’s rather good,” Bruce Wayne remarked as he swallowed another bite and felt the hundreds of calories running down his throat. He would have to hit the gym hard today to maintain his physique.

Just as Paula Deen was about to begin melting another twelve sticks of butter for her next concoction, the sound of glass shattering made her look up to see the Joker breaking into her open bakery.

“Sir, the door is open,” Paula Deen said in her thick Southern accent, sighing and pointing at another worker to clean up the mess.

“Yes, but opening a door has never really been my entrance method,” Joker said licking his lips and glancing around.

Bruce Wayne had left minutes before the Joker had entered the bakery. The muffin was too rich and he had feared how much weight he may have gained from indulging in Paula Deen’s recipe. Moments later, a signal in the sky would call him for another pastry. A pastry of justice.

Meanwhile, back at the bakery, the Joker was distracted by a slice of coconut cake Paula Deen had just served him. The recipe involved grating two whole coconuts and at least a bag of sugar, but as always, was delicious.

The Joker licked his lips again, took the slice of cake and took a big bite.

“Sir, I realize it’s very tempting, but you must pay for the cake first, as well as that glass you broke,” Paula Deen said as she stuffed a cupcake with cream filling made of real cheesecake.

The Joker laughed slowly, licking his lips a third time and reaching for his pocket.

“You see, like doors, spending money isn’t really my style either,” the Joker said as he pulled out a knife and grabbed Paula Deen’s plump face, squeezing her cheeks in a way that made her look like a fish.

Across town at Bruce Wayne’s mansion, the caped-crusader was having some trouble getting into his wardrobe. The muffin had definitely set in.

“Master Wayne, perhaps this battle is not yours,” Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s faithful butler said as he watched Bruce Wayne struggle to get his pants on.

“No battle is one for anyone. They are all those that must be fought to preserve the good and prevent the bad from triumph,” Bruce Wayne said as he tried again to suck in his gut and squeeze into his tights. Why did superheroes always have to wear such tight clothing?

Back at the Bakery, citizens of Gotham City with a sweet tooth were cowering in fear along the bakery’s walls, well, all the ones minus the one the Joker had broken on his way into the bakery earlier that afternoon.

Paula Deen, the owner of the establishment, was facing the wrath of the Joker. He held her face tightly, gently gliding a knife threateningly in front of her chin.

“You wanna see how I got these scars?” the Joker asked, addressing the scars on his face.

Paula Deen sighed and the Joker’s nostrils were filled with the scent of butter.

“Am I boring you?” the Joker asked, realizing how unfrightened Paula Deen looked even as he was holding a knife to her face.

“I can create new scars…” the Joker whispered to Paula as he put pressure on the knife he had been holding to her face. Instead of blood, a thicker, yellow substance oozed out of Paula Deen’s face. The substance quickly made it difficult for the Joker to grip Paula Deen’s face and he stepped back with a confused look on his face.

As he stepped back, he was apprehended by the Gotham City Police who had just arrived seconds earlier.

The Joker attempted a frown though his clown-like face made it appear as though he were still smiling.

Paula Deen chuckled and said, “And to think they said eating fattening foods was bad for you, but I’ve always went by the motto that you one what you eat and I’m definitely filled with enough fats to save a third-world country and myself.”

Meanwhile, back at the Bat Cave, Bruce Wayne had given up after the sugar had settled and he fell asleep.

The End

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